Have You Ever

Excuse me for talking again about my ex. I heard a song driving home tonight that reminded me of him and he’s been on my mind a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder if it’s unhealthy that I haven’t fully moved on yet, but why get down on myself over something like the sentimental remnants of a love lost? I have no one to give my heart to, so why not let it bob in the currents of the past? Keeping with tradition I will do what I want.

So I got the idea to create a playlist of the songs that expressed my feelings for him and the relationship through time.

 

Have You Ever – Brandy

So to give you some idea of the time frame here, this song came out in 1998. Not that we had the CD when it first came out mind you. It might have been 2001 or 2002 and I was going bonkers over this boy, my young self, crying along to this song on the bedroom floor of my bff’s room because I knew he was within the confines of the house and yet so far away. I was a wildly depressed and socially anxious teen and the idea of telling him how I felt was unthinkable. I was sure I lacked the worldly experience to interest such a street smart kid. Obsession is the food of teenagers, and I indulged.

 

Halo – Beyoncé

Jumping forward 7 years to when my dreams finally came true. It was incredible. I was elated. It was everything I had hoped for and more. Our hearts and souls were intertwined. We had such adventures. It’s hard to explain in prose how it felt so I’ll just toss in a little poem I wrote at that time.

All Loved

I love the corner of your mouth
where it tips up
so you’re always smiling, a little bit.

That corner is a harbinger.
it fills and curves
getting better and better,
becoming your lips.
Where all the kisses come and go
Like fishes.
swimming up and down stream

Red salmon-
cycling through their lives
living and dying
between our lips.

I love your soft side,
so ready to bruise.
and your rough side
prickling, and tumbling
down your jaw, and neck
to the edge of the mountain range.
that boils like boulders and jagged rocks.

Formations-
twisted into flesh
A broken horizon casting shadows on the sky.

And a crease,
like a chink in metal armor.

The soft spots where I can almost hurt you,
and the parts that make me feel fragile.

I love the way you use your body,
to touch me
to kiss me
to break down the world
and climb the rubble.

To watch me-
eyes half glowing. half dark
Half puppy. half wolf
.All loved.

 

Already Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Ok, so I guess it seems like I listen to a lot of pop music and I kind of do. There are a bajillion other songs that remind me of him, but I guess these songs were on the radio and getting in my head at the time. While we were dating I listened to a lot of classic rock because that’s what he would put on, and so I also think of him whenever I hear Guns N Roses or AC/DC.

We broke up a couple times over those two and a half years. Not because I wasn’t happy or I didn’t love him, but because I could feel my heart rebelling. I had thought we would get married and maybe even have babies (If it was a boy we’d name him Ozzy after that guy in that band, a girl would be Daisy after my twin). It was all I had ever wanted. But realistically we were too different. It’s all good to have different taste in music and other largely superficial things; different view points can enrich a relationship, bringing more diversity of spirit to the table (or some such crap). Our perceptions of life were vastly different. Our beliefs regarding morality and politics were on opposite ends of the spectrum. Our visions of the future, our future together, were not coherent. I wanted us to find the people we could make futures with.

We dated again for a year after my accident. I wanted to enjoy it even if it wasn’t forever. I told him how I felt. I didn’t want to hurt him again. He said it was ok. He said I couldn’t hurt him anymore. When he started planning our future I felt my heart pull back and knew I couldn’t let him hope for us anymore.

 

Vanishing – Mariah Carey

This is the song I heard on the drive home tonight. It makes me cry.

Writing all this down I feel like a jerk. I loved him so much and I never even tried to talk things out. I feel like I gave up way too easily. Maybe my love for him was born of childish fantasy. Maybe my inability to maintain the relationship was because I was too young and inexperienced. Maybe we just weren’t right for each other. Maybe I just need to fucking move on.

Have You Ever by Camille Willis

 

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